The one in MY million

It takes a remarkable kind of person to give up everything for another. Not so much for the act of bestowing upon one, but for the infrequent act of unselfishness.

In life, we rarely come across these kinds of people. In fact, its almost as if they don’t exist. However, when we are lucky enough to cross paths and interact with these individuals, we only see what the naked eye portrays, and not what the soul speaks. We suddenly become ignorant and don’t bother to notice it. On countless occasions I have gone out of my way for someone, and my good deed or kind gesture goes unnoticed, blanketed in an insincere “thank you.”

The reason for my never-ending ridicule on selfish and unselfish people, is that I have realized in my insolent teenage moments, I take what I have for granted. As corny as it may sound, I am blessed enough to have a mother who could pass for an angel. I have never, in my 17 years of living, ever come across anyone remotely close to my mum. I’ve never met anyone so kind-hearted, so caring. She forgives more than she resents, devotes herself to her family before herself and just smiles no matter how bad the rain pours.

It takes a brave woman to stand for what’s right and it takes superwomen to work, and still have enough time for each of her 4 children. It takes a gentle woman to comfort and console someone with nothing but love. It takes a powerful woman to stand for what she believes, and no matter what people say she holds her head high with dignity.

I’m talking about the most piercing sapphire-blue eyes that look as if they’re dying to tell her story. Her heroic declaration of independence, pride and heartbreak. The loss of her rock whose footsteps she aspired to follow. Our Nana. Her story continues to unfold, getting more unpredictable than it ever was. With each page turned, she proceeds to astonish us all with her tainted fairytale which deserves nothing but a happy ending. 

Tainted...

My tainted past has got me where I am today; yet today, I cant help but count the flaws of my tainted past. Be them as insignificant as a teenage heart break, or something boulder, like the loss of a loved one; these come with haunting emotions that are shaping the person im slowly developing into. This is in some aspects is not necessarily a good thing.

We all know that people act impulsively and with this comes consequences. There’s a girl who is so caught up in her whole new hardcore persona that she’s lost her true identity. No one should be judged on the choices they have to make, nor should they live for anyone else but themselves. This has proven to be a lot easier said than done. A single soul can cause a lot of pain. However, I still believe one should ever feel as if she has to portray a pretend personality to imply that life is grand and everything is all ok. She shouldn’t feel as if the entire world is out to get her, to deprive her of any happiness she may have had. Her only make up has been a fake smile, but behind the smile sits deep confusion and loneliness, a longing for someone or something, and a cry out for anyone to notice that this isn’t actually her.

People take what they see and twist it so much till they finally get to the idea that they want. We are so quick to judge, to think about ourselves first, and we act on it, more maliciously than sympathetically.  We forget that in doing this, it is a silent killer for the one we are judging. We never stop and think about the reason why that person might be acting out like they are. Maybe they felt confused? Maybe they were terrified, so they ran to the first thing that was willing to catch them? Maybe they are just so lost that they don’t know any better.

I don’t know where to go from here, or what to do. I don’t know what decisions are right, and what decisions are wrong. I’m scared to make any, which is making me resent myself. If I could have one wish, it would to go back a couple of years. Rewind my clock. I feel as if I’ve grown up too fast. I want to be daddy’s little girl. I want to get gold stars for the things I do right. I want to be appreciated. I want to be respected for what I want to do. I want the people who love me, to support me, and right now none of that is happening.

Its safe to say, I’m lost in nothing but emptiness.